Message from the Supreme Commander of Earth Invasion Forces

Battle Los Angeles OnesheetOK, listen up! By now, you’ve heard that our assault on Earth was not as successful as it might have been. Guess we were a tad premature in hanging the “Mission Accomplished” banner across the bow of the mothership. In defense of your commanders, however, who could have known that the indigenous population would have devices that deliver metal pellets at high speed, pellets of various sizes that are capable of piercing our defenses. We got ourselves all the way across the universe and safely through Earth’s atmosphere, and no one gave any thought to these little pellets?

By the way, our plan was to take over the planet. But why one person at a time? If we only had some kind of device—let’s call it a “bomb”—that would wipe out whole populations, we could have skipped a lot of the house-to-house.

Or here’s a thought—since we only wanted their water, why didn’t we just do our water-landing in some forgotten corner of the ocean and suck up as much as we wanted?

As far as our brave soldiers go, fellows, seriously, you’re eight feet tall, and yet you walk right out into the open to get mowed down like dumb robots. Well, some of you are dumb robots. No offense. After all, we’re only as smart as our designers. But hey, I have a good idea! Maybe you could have taken cover now and then? You know, like our enemies?

And it took the Earthlings all of a Neptune minute to figure out the location of your vital organs and target them. A little armor over this area would have been nice, but I guess you can’t think of everything, right? To be fair, part of that’s on us. The supply asteroid took its sweet time getting to the target zone.

Oh, and by the way, whose idea was it to leave the tread exposed on the robot cannon? One shot from the earthlings and the cannon was brought to its knees, or would have been if it had knees.

And whose idea was the walking gun? Seventeen feet tall, thirteen feet long, umpty-ump tons, and all of it balanced on two skinny legs? Really? Doesn’t anyone remember when we laughed at the two-legged Earthlings, at that ridiculous design flaw? So why did we design all of our weapons based on that flaw???

Guys, we are seriously going to have to get our shpitnik together if we expect to have any success at all during next weekend’s invasion of the sun. Our intel says it can get pretty hot over there, so whatever you do, don’t forget your sunblock!

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Author: Brent Spencer

I'm a writer of fiction, creative non-fiction, and screenplays. My most recent book, a memoir, is Rattlesnake Daddy: A Son's Search for His Father. I live on an acreage in eastern Nebraska and teach creative writing at Creighton University. You can find out more about me and at http://brentspencerwriter.com. (Photo credit: Miriam Berkley)

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