Dear General Motor,
OK, sir? I know you’re a busy high-ranking military type guy, but before you toss this into Mr. Round Mouth, please hear me out.
I recently saw your feature-length car commercial, the one you did with Lenovo, called Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
And I have a confession and a request.
But first a little praise: my favorite Transformer was Rosie
Huntington-Whiteley. I was amazed by the way she could plump her lips up to the size of hotel pillows. So cool! But I digress.
About thirty years ago, I owned one of your Chevy Novas. I bought it from a nephew of Meat Loaf, the rock star, who had promised he could join the band if he learned to play an instrument. He sold me his car so he could buy a guitar. The car was already old when I bought it, pretty banged up, and baby-puke-green. I didn’t know enough Spanish at the time to realize that “no va” means “no go.”
Before long, the car would only go in reverse, which made going to work an adventure every day. After taking out a few fences and backing over a few garbage cans, I got rid of it. I know—dumb, right? I didn’t know. I had no idea! No idea of its transformational properties. It never, you know, “came out” to me. If I had only known, I would never have abandoned it next to that derelict factory.
So what I’m wondering is . . .
- Do you, by any chance, know the whereabouts of my Nova?
- And can you get it back for me?
I’m sure you keep track of all your cars, so it shouldn’t be too much trouble. Oh, and it would be awesome if you could trick it out like the cars in the commercial. When you deliver it, I’ll be happy to apologize to the car for abandoning it like that, as long as it apologizes for messing with me. I mean, what was with that only-in-reverse thing?
Please be assured that I am more than willing to fight the good (food) fight. Kidding! I’m just as gung-ho as Sam Witwicky in my eagerness to fight the Decepticons. If by “fight,” you mean “write.” And if by “Decepticons,” you mean the Hollywood hacks who make crap like Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
Oh, and it would be really, really cool if you could have my old car in front of the house by the time I wake up on Monday morning. Gracias, your generalship, sir!
Sincerely,
Your New Best Friend
A Nightmare on Film Street 