Dear Mr. Ethan Hunt:
We trust you enjoyed your visit to Dubai. As you know, we do everything in our power to ensure our guests’ comfort and safety. That said, we feel we must take exception to certain aspects of your behavior during your recent stay at the Burj Khalifa.
Please note that it is against policy to take electronic control of elevators and security systems in the building, to change room numbers, to hide in room service carts, to kill other guests, etc. Here’s an easy way to remember what is and isn’t allowed: if what you plan on doing would be acceptable in a fraternity, don’t do it at the Burj Khalifa.
In future, please do not remove plates of glass from the window wall of your room, especially before a sandstorm.
Must you run up and down the outside of the building? I mean, who do you think you are—Spider Man?
You were observed, at one point, climbing outside the building and kicking through the glass to gain entrance to another floor. Please be advised that we maintain a perfectly serviceable bank of elevators for this purpose.
And was it absolutely necessary to litter your room with dead bodies and pepper the walls with bullet holes? I think not. Housekeeping has enough on its hands without such shenanigans.
In fact, upon further consideration, management regrets to inform you that we can no longer rent rooms to you or to any member of the IMF (Impossible Missions Force). On a personal note, may I say that, dude, you treated our world-class property like a rented camel! Not cool!
Burj Khalifa Management Team
“where your comfort is our highest priority”